April 2002 saw one of my finest pranks and practical jokes. I don't say this loosely either, I love to wind people up and if there is a shocking, risqué side to it then even better.
I was serving in the Royal Navy and based at HMS Collingwood in Fareham, Hampshire. This weekend in particular was a big sporting one. Middlesbrough were playing Arsenal in the FA Cup Semi Final in Manchester and it was the London Marathon too.
I headed to London on weekend leave as I failed to get tickets for the football up at Old Trafford. London that weekend was rammed due to the Marathon and I stayed at the Union Jack club near Waterloo. It's a private members club for servicemen and women which is not a bad place to stay at all.
I watched the game with my father in a bar full of Arsenal fans off Piccadilly Circus. Boro gave a very good account of themselves that day and I was full of pride in our performance, even though we lost 1-0 as I headed back to Hampshire.
Firstly, the train back to Fareham was the first time I'd ever been on one of those trains with the small six person carriages. You know the type, you see them all the time on TV and in the movies but I honestly thought they didn't exist. They probably don't now but they did on this particular day at least.
Secondly, in my trusty Royal Navy holdall (div bag) was a number of prostitute calling cards (see pic) taken from the many phone boxes around central London. Now don't get me wrong here, I wasn't then or am I now a client of 'working girls'. I had concocted a simple but yet devious practical joke on one of my mess mates.
Move forward to Monday and 'clean ship' where every rating is required to scrub out every nook and cranny ahead of captains rounds the next day. Captains rounds happen on a Tuesday when everybody is either out at work or in a classroom around the base. You normally got graded for how clean your mess deck, heads (toilets) and showers were. If they weren't up to scratch then you got a 'rescrub' until you reached the required standard.
On Tuesday morning I lagged behind in the mess pretending to look for something and told the gang to 'go head without me'. Then I moved into action, swiftly and deadly like a cobra.
One of the lads in our mess was a pleasant enough chap but he was way too green in the world and really annoyed me in one particular way. Most of the lads had pictures of their kids, wives or girlfriend near their rack (bed) or on their locker. I never did because I didn't have such baggage or will I ever. I did once in response to to the photos going up, cut out a picture of a bottle of Jack Daniels (the one true love of my life) from a magazine and stuck it next to my bed.
Anyway this young lad not only had pictures his girlfriend, who looked about 12 to be honest but also, his mam, dad, dog, cat, dad's car and his school teacher . In fact his bed was surrounded with numerous pictures of inane shite, to be frank.
You're probably way ahead in this tale, but for those who aren't then I'll simply explain that I swapped all his charming homely snaps for prostitute calling cards. Instead of loving pictures of mam and dad at Christmas time, there now were ladies offering 'water sports' and 'bondage and correction' .
Just before lunch that day we were walking to the galley for scran when a marked service vehicle screeched to a halt in front of us. Out jumped the two bosons mates on duty and they asked which once of us was ****** .
My young friend went pale, stood rigid and admitted that he was the one they wanted to which they grabbed him, shoved him in the back seat and drove off at speed.
What happened next is second-hand gossip because I wasn't there but I was told it goes something like this :
Officer of the day: " Ah so you're our little trouble causer eh ?"
Young sailor: " Yes sir"
OOD: " So you knew there was Captains rounds today with several local dignitaries as guests ? "
Young sailor: " No sir, I didn't. I err knew there was rounds but we cleaned the mess last night"
OOD: " Indeed there was. In fact there was a member of the clergy, the mayoress and some other civilian dignitaries" .
OOD: " What we didn't expect to see was your little collection of deviant memorabilia."
Young sailor: " I don't understand sir"
OOD: The collection of ahem photographs round your bunk is what I mean, care to explain ? "
Young sailor: " But that's just my family and friends sir" .....
I gather it took about an hour of explaining before everybody realised they'd be set-up by yours truly. I kept my mouth shut of course as I was the chief suspect. I just wish I'd seen their faces when confronted with madam whiplash and friends.
I was serving in the Royal Navy and based at HMS Collingwood in Fareham, Hampshire. This weekend in particular was a big sporting one. Middlesbrough were playing Arsenal in the FA Cup Semi Final in Manchester and it was the London Marathon too.
I headed to London on weekend leave as I failed to get tickets for the football up at Old Trafford. London that weekend was rammed due to the Marathon and I stayed at the Union Jack club near Waterloo. It's a private members club for servicemen and women which is not a bad place to stay at all.
I watched the game with my father in a bar full of Arsenal fans off Piccadilly Circus. Boro gave a very good account of themselves that day and I was full of pride in our performance, even though we lost 1-0 as I headed back to Hampshire.
Firstly, the train back to Fareham was the first time I'd ever been on one of those trains with the small six person carriages. You know the type, you see them all the time on TV and in the movies but I honestly thought they didn't exist. They probably don't now but they did on this particular day at least.
Secondly, in my trusty Royal Navy holdall (div bag) was a number of prostitute calling cards (see pic) taken from the many phone boxes around central London. Now don't get me wrong here, I wasn't then or am I now a client of 'working girls'. I had concocted a simple but yet devious practical joke on one of my mess mates.
Move forward to Monday and 'clean ship' where every rating is required to scrub out every nook and cranny ahead of captains rounds the next day. Captains rounds happen on a Tuesday when everybody is either out at work or in a classroom around the base. You normally got graded for how clean your mess deck, heads (toilets) and showers were. If they weren't up to scratch then you got a 'rescrub' until you reached the required standard.
On Tuesday morning I lagged behind in the mess pretending to look for something and told the gang to 'go head without me'. Then I moved into action, swiftly and deadly like a cobra.
One of the lads in our mess was a pleasant enough chap but he was way too green in the world and really annoyed me in one particular way. Most of the lads had pictures of their kids, wives or girlfriend near their rack (bed) or on their locker. I never did because I didn't have such baggage or will I ever. I did once in response to to the photos going up, cut out a picture of a bottle of Jack Daniels (the one true love of my life) from a magazine and stuck it next to my bed.
Anyway this young lad not only had pictures his girlfriend, who looked about 12 to be honest but also, his mam, dad, dog, cat, dad's car and his school teacher . In fact his bed was surrounded with numerous pictures of inane shite, to be frank.
You're probably way ahead in this tale, but for those who aren't then I'll simply explain that I swapped all his charming homely snaps for prostitute calling cards. Instead of loving pictures of mam and dad at Christmas time, there now were ladies offering 'water sports' and 'bondage and correction' .
Just before lunch that day we were walking to the galley for scran when a marked service vehicle screeched to a halt in front of us. Out jumped the two bosons mates on duty and they asked which once of us was ****** .
My young friend went pale, stood rigid and admitted that he was the one they wanted to which they grabbed him, shoved him in the back seat and drove off at speed.
What happened next is second-hand gossip because I wasn't there but I was told it goes something like this :
Officer of the day: " Ah so you're our little trouble causer eh ?"
Young sailor: " Yes sir"
OOD: " So you knew there was Captains rounds today with several local dignitaries as guests ? "
Young sailor: " No sir, I didn't. I err knew there was rounds but we cleaned the mess last night"
OOD: " Indeed there was. In fact there was a member of the clergy, the mayoress and some other civilian dignitaries" .
OOD: " What we didn't expect to see was your little collection of deviant memorabilia."
Young sailor: " I don't understand sir"
OOD: The collection of ahem photographs round your bunk is what I mean, care to explain ? "
Young sailor: " But that's just my family and friends sir" .....
I gather it took about an hour of explaining before everybody realised they'd be set-up by yours truly. I kept my mouth shut of course as I was the chief suspect. I just wish I'd seen their faces when confronted with madam whiplash and friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment